Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
