you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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