apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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