I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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