got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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