I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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