girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
