i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
