I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize