new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
