Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
