i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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