I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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