Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize