I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
