yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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