I got chris browned last night
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
