i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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