I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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