I'm sorry my penis didn't work
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
