New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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