we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
