There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize