I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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