The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
