Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
