we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
