Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
