when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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