Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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