I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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