I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
please come you make the beer taste better
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
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