3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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