you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
