i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
