Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
