'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
