true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
