Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
