id be glad to
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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