i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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