you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
