ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize