my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
