It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
