Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
