are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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