I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
ttyl tear gas
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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