College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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