he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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