dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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