I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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