he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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