I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
NoShamevember. You game?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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