Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
