just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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