Only a mothe r could love this liver
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
