Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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