Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
