Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just had sex on a roof
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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