What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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