That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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