OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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