no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
