did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
