hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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