Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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